Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
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The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
meanwhile over on facebook
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
peep davidson
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans