2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
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Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Spring cleaning checklist…
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Friday
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card