These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
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I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.