*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
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Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out