There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok