Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat