I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence