The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.