*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.