I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.