The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.