*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
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Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
#SaturdayBears
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
mariah carrie
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam