I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now