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Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
No. He’s not coming out to play
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️