[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
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my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.