Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
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What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
2022 be like
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.