Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
You Might Also Like
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.