“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
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It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Choose your fighter
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon