I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”