[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic