me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO