“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.