waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb