doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST