[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am