Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
[loses house key, starts a new life]
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.