[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.