*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
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Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
*offers Batman cough drops*
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.