Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
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Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
I’ve been drinking.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
this isn’t threatening at all
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.