I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
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It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Me irl
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.