Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>