I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
