[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
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I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.