Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
You Might Also Like
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises