It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.