Go to drunk, you’re bed.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.
When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.
I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!