Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”