In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.