We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
To whom it may concern,
My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.Many thanks
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.