My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.