My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.