If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.