Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.