My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.