There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.