Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
In Russia, Pokemon find you.