Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.