Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.