That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.