Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.