Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.